Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG

This list, apparently, has been ongoing for years now. It’s a list of funny / crazy things supposedly done or attempted in various tabletop RPGs (all ascribed to the original author, Mr. Welch).

The list can be found here, or at least the first 500, with a link to the next and so on (there are currently over 2500 entries)

I’m presenting a few of my favorites (‘a few’ being a relative term. Again, it’s a long list), both for entertainment value and as a reminder to fellow writers to never neglect the crazy option for your characters (or, in some cases, the extremely obvious).

6. Synchronized panicking is not an appropriate battle plan.

18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.

26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you’re the paladin.

48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.

55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.

63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.

97. My one wish cannot be ‘I wish everything on this piece of paper was true’.

106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.

108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.

114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.

156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.

182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.

189. Tourette’s is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.

231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.

250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.

257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.

268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person.

277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.

311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.

316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.

345. I don’t have weapon proficiency in elf, either.

360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.

363. When challenged to a showdown, I’m meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe’s Big .50.

388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.

400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.

413. The Chaotic Neutral alignment is forever closed to me.

443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.

450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn’t mean with a surprise marriage proposal.

460. I’d better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I’m lawful good.

472. When my cleric is told to “Buff the Elf,” I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.

485. My Mossad agent’s battlecry is not “Torah, Torah, Torah”.

502. If my name isn’t Grimlock, can’t start every sentence with “Me Grimlock”.

516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.

519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.

524. I will not ask my gun for advice.

580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.

608. The answer to ‘who’s got point?’ is not the fireball.

652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction – stabbing things.

680. My axe doesn’t go off accidentally when I’m cleaning it.

682. Can’t make a called shot with a flamethrower.

688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.

693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome’s contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.

694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.

748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person’s face is not a gnomish expression of affection.

808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.

868. I cannot have a gun with an area of effect larger than its range.

924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: “Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?”

951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.

1041. Doesn’t matter if I’m just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.

1066. If the GM’s wife is in the party, I’m not allowed to hunt anything cute.

1138. Fireballs don’t have a non-lethal option. I will ponder this after I’ve cast one at that guy we needed alive.

1177. I will stop asking NPCs how much XP they are worth.

1187. It’s okay to feed the Ewok after midnight.

1270. Weapon Focus: Nukes is not a real feat.

1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel.

1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point.

1335. I can not filibuster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time.

1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can’t just blow off the next to top floor.

1447. My Bard will not take a trombone just so he can attack and use his bard song at the same time.

1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it.

1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.

1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can’t sneak with a running chainsaw.

1595. We aren’t raising the villain from the dead because we haven’t killed him enough yet.

1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.

1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn’t mean by shooting the guy standing next to him.

1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.

1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy.

1843. Can’t land the drop pod on the villain.

1989. Can’t set the Death Star to stun.

2070. The spell is “Heat Metal”, not “Detect Piercings”.

2082. No matter how successful, our party has to be more than a wizard and 5 pikemen.

2159. Just because my media only put the bare minimum into his journalistic skills doesn’t mean he starts at MSNBC.

2376. The Dwarven work ethic is not just “Dig until we hit evil.”

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